A guide to a happier life for submissive males                        Back.

by Ulysses

Finding the right partner is the most pressing problem for many submissive
males. A lot has been written about it by experienced subs or dommes who
wanted to help. This is my personal contribution to this ongoing discussion
and is based, to good measure, on my own experiences. I don't claim to have
anything really new to contribute. But this text is more comprehensive and
coherent then many short remarks here and there on Usenet and websites. It is
mainly written for the isolated subs out there who have neither "come out"
nor found a compatible partner.

Contents


1. The problem
2. Liberation
3. Seeking the right partner - against the odds
4. The "secret recipe" - with the odds
5. Who I am to give advice on this

1. The problem


Many submissives / masochists ("subs")  take a long time to admit
their inclination to other people. Some never do. They sit at home in
the darkness of their rooms, in front of their computers, surfing the
Internet, or bent over magazines and books they secretly bought in
some sex shop. They wank off violently, hundreds of times throughout
their lives, reliving the same phantasies over and over again. Not
opening themselves to others leads to an aggravation of the problem.
As they get older, many subs' phantasies become more extreme, not seldomly
fuelled by pictures and texts they found on the net or in shops. But
the relief they get by masturbating only lasts for minutes and cannot
cover up a simple fact: they are lonely, unhappy, unsatisfied. And
since they are inhibited, ashamed to admit their tendency or lazy, they will
never seek and find peers or even a partner for a happier life.


Some do, however, get in touch with others like themselves and find
that they now face another problem. The number of potential female
partners seems to be miniscule.


2. Liberation


But I don't want to get ahead of myself. So back to the first problem.
Obviously, if you don't ever open yourself up to other people, you
will never find a partner, and you may never get really happy. Opening
yourself up to other people is not as risky as you might think. You
don't have to tell your *neighbor* that you are a pervert! There are
so many ways of finding others of your kind that minimize any risk of
being "discovered" by the wrong people. Just look for an S/M
organization in your area. Go there. They are usually very welcoming
to "newbies". For many, becoming a regular visitor to such
organizations is one of the most liberating events in their lives.
Suddenly there are people around who understand, even share, one's
phantasies, and talk about it with a sense of normality and humour that
you thought was impossible. Suddenly you start feeling that the part
of yourself you've hidden away is accepted, that you are accepted as a
whole person, at last. You start walking the streets, realizing that
if your neighbor found out now, it wouldn't be all that bad. You start
realizing that if there are people who would laugh at you, consider
you sick or discriminate against you because of your tendency - you
start realizing that they are the ones with the real problems, that
they are the ones to be pitied. And that having their recognition and
company means nothing to you, anymore.


If there is no S/M organization in your area, you should make the
effort to travel to an area where there is. It's worth the effort,
believe me. You can even get in touch with some contact person on the
net before you actually go there. Most organizations have e-mail
addresses and some have websites. Once you have been to a number of
meetings, you might want to consider relocating to an area where you
can attend meetings regularly. Generally, large cities are the better areas
to be in, at least for the novice.
If you want to "practice in the dry" at first, the Internet is made
for that. Usenet newsgroups, chat rooms, message boards - you name it.


Once you have started feeling accepted and "normal" in a way, you may
be ready for a partner. But if you don't take this first step, chances
for a sustainable partnership that accomodates your needs are smaller.
How can you have a sustainable partnership if you feel it's not
accepted and you have to hide it?


3. Seeking the right partner - against the odds


OK, now on to the next big problem. The chances of finding your woman
within an S/M organization are slim. Sure, it happens, and
statistically speaking, your chances improve the longer you hang
around, but they'll never get very high.


In order not to depress your chances further, do your best to be attractive.
That means, first of all, be yourself. Don't project an image. And for
christ's sake don't be a whining sissy! It is a great error to believe that
dominant women like sissies. They don't. They like men who are so strong
that, when the time to play has arrived, they can give themselves up to their
dominant partner and trust. Of course, when playing, the sissy image turns on
many dommes. But that's part of play, not real life. Next, take good care of
yourself. Don't smell bad, wash yourself and brush your teeth regularly and
try to wear something that looks good on you. Keep yourself physically fit. 
Have good manners. You don't have to be the perfect gentleman from the start
(though becoming one may be a good idea) but don't be rude. Finally, have
something to offer to other people. You might not be a great entertainer but
you could excel as a photographer. Or as somebody whom people like because of
his helpfulness. Whatever. You might also want to work on certain skills that
could come in handy later. Cooking  (and I am not primarily talking about hot
dogs or hamburgers), knowing something about wine, giving massages, mani- and
pedicuring etc.. The more you have to offer, the better for you.


OK, OK, all of the above may seem obvious to you, but it isn't to some.
Once you have made sure that you are not a foul-smelling, worthless
scumbag whom everybody hates, you are ready to go fishing.


Like I said, you most likely won't get lucky at your local S/M organization.
It's also unlikely that you'll find your partner online (OK, OK, I know it
happens. But not very often.) So what other chances are there? Well, only
three left.


You could try to become that special someone to a pro-domme. Again,
the chances for this happening are slim. Some pro-dommes are being
besieged by devotees and develop mechanisms of preventing any
courtship in the early stages. Many make it a rule not to get involved
with clients. Then again, some do get involved with former clients,
but may - if they ever consider you - expect so much commitment that
it is impossible for you. There are pro-dommes who keep
house slaves. People who actually live in the mistress's house and
serve her. That is a kind of partnership that you may want to consider
only when you have more experience under your belt and know what
you're getting yourself into.


So you most probably have to find your woman out there, in the vast
crowd. If you are ready to try and fail a lot, you might find a
naturally dominant woman out there. I'd reckon that about 5% of all
women are "naturals" (disclaimer: just a guess, based on
circumstantial evidence; please don't sue me.)  This means that on
average you'll have to "scan", in some form, twenty women before you
hit gold. And then, who says that that particular woman will like you?
But I don't want to discourage this entirely. Some people may get
lucky like this and I'd like to hear about their experiences.




4. The "secret recipe" - with the odds


There is, however, one way to get happy that works in a large majority of
cases. For this, you have to take a step back and bring some patience. Forget
about all labels: S/M, D/s, BDSM. They scare many people who don't know what
they really mean. Also forget about the stories you've read on "The Feminine
Brutality Pages" or in Eric Stanton's famous cartoons. You don't want
anything like those stories to happen in reality. Forget about "dominant
women" for a while. Now go out there and find a woman whom is attractive  to
you. A good match on many counts. Win her. Don't "date the babe" but show her
that you are seriously interested. Go out with her, be romantic. See if you
really want to get more involved with her because this won't be a one-night
stand. Cook a dinner for her and don't forget the candles. During this dinner
date, or maybe at the next, it's time for the first erotic encounter. I
suggest that you start with something that contains an element of servitude
during this very first erotic encounter. For example, massage her feet. If
she lets you do that, she probably won't mind if you kiss her feet after a
while, either. And voila - there you have your first success. When you have
sex, again try to serve her. Almost every woman likes to have her feet
massaged, almost every woman enjoys being licked and kissed "down there".
Read a guide on cunnilingus first, if you have no experience (check out
www.sexuality.org for that.)


OK, let's recapitulate. Almost every woman likes to be pampered and
served in some way. And almost every male sub likes serving a woman.
Some degree of compatibility is therefore almost always possible, even
at the very first encounter!


Of course, there are women who won't be comfortable with having a guy
being so concerned with their well-being. Some of those women might be subs
themselves. And some just might have the wrong ideas about how a man is
supposed to be. I reckon that up to 20-30% of all women fall in these two
categories. So don't be discouraged if you encounter one of them. They are out
there. But do yourself a  favour and move on. Try again with another one.


OK, now you've found a great woman who likes having her feet massaged
and who doesn't mind being licked and sucked to a shuddering orgasm.
I'd suggest that you don't wait for long before telling her a little
about your erotic phantasies. You can do that as early as the second
erotic encounter you have with her. Now, you don't want to tell her
that you love women who drive nails into guys' foreskins. You will
want to tell her that you enjoy pampering her like you've already
done. Indeed, you might tell her, that one of your strongest erotic
turn-ons is serving a woman. At this stage, chances are that she'll
think she's very lucky. Because guys like that are rare. She'll
probably tell you that she likes the way you treat her.
Depending on your feeling, now or a little later, you can feed her
some more. Like: "I always phantasize about being a woman's slave."
You see? Words are so powerful that you must tread with care. She
might giggle about that (how sexy!) but she won't run out of your
apartment. She might even think that she's run into a "masochist". But
she won't be disgusted. Chances are, she'll love it.  Finally, when
you two have had some more fun, and she has taken all well, you can
introduce stronger stuff. You can tell her that you are what is
labeled "submissive" or "masochist". Don't tell her that while you're
getting on the subway train, OK? Tell her when you two are in
bed, tenderly exchanging kisses. And tell her that you don't expect
her to become a whip-wielding sadist. The reason why you tell her is that you
don't want to hide anything from her. She'll probably want to know more.


You get the idea by now. Be gradual and be patient. In most cases you'll be
able to develop a partnership where serving your woman will become a regular
feature. It's almost certain that she will tie you up one day and make you
eat her while you are in bondage (this particular idea is so obvious that
many women should get it themselves without further encouragement.) If you
encourage her, chances are also quite good that your woman will order and
slap you around sometimes, even if she does it only because she knows that
you like it (what's wrong with that?). She may also give you a good whacking 
with a belt or a neck-tie, from time to time.


To sum up, if you follow the advice in this text, and if you are on
the one extreme end of submissive's fate, you will develop from an
isolated, masturbating piece of misery to quite a happy sub. Your
woman might never develop a liking for extreme play but - hey! -
you'll still have a good deal. And if you crave more extreme play, you
can always see a pro-domme from time to time. Try getting the consent
for that from your girlfriend / wife first, though. Since you are not
going to have sex with a pro-domme that shouldn't be so hard.


5. Who are you to give advice on this?


Well, I am a male sub in his late twenties. I have experienced many of the
details laid out in this essay myself and have witnessed others in people
whom I encountered in my local S/M circle or whom I became acquainted with
otherwise. I have had a naturally dominant girlfriend in the past and also
visited a pro-domme once (which was an excellent experience). Currently I am
with another wonderful girlfriend who, while not exactly born as a sadist,
has discovered the pleasures of having a sub boyfriend.

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